Conversations in Black

Another day, another dead Black male at the hands of law enforcement! Now, another conversation (I lost count of how many) I have to have with my Black son in case he has an interaction with police or is walking in a neighborhood not his own. Let me say, conversations like these are not applicable across all races. Parents of different races and backgrounds might prepare their children for those interactions differently than Black parents do. While white people are not compelled to talk with their kids about such interactions, their conversations are most likely about all the good things in life that are afforded to them and that they can be all they can be and want to be while the world is at their feet.

I on the other hand, have to talk to my son about how to stay safe every time he goes outside. (History shows that he may not even be safe in his own home or car as you’ll see as you read on).  For me, I see this guidance as a necessary part of parenting. I now, oh my God, have to also have that same conversation with my daughter. How do I raise them for survival? It goes something like this: Be aware of your surroundings, keep your hands up if stopped by police. Keep your hand on the dashboard if stopped while driving, try to stay calm, don’t resist, etc. I include the importance of staying as calm as possible because cops tend to use tactics to antagonize the Black male to get them agitated. My children are now adults. Sadly, I still worry.

Why do I worry? I worry because of the long list of dead Black men and women murdered at the hands of police and white people. Armadou Dialo, who in 1999 was killed when cops fired 41 shots at him, 19 of which hit Dialo while he stood inside his apartment building in the Bronx, NY. Sean Bell who cops fired at 31 times, 4 of which hit Bell, with cops only pausing to reload. Philando Castile was shot and killed while his girlfriend and daughter were in the car. Alton Sterling was killed in Baton Rouge, Louisiana by police letting him bleed out in front of a convenience store. Eric Garner choked from the pressing of a police’s forearm at his throat. “I can’t breathe,” he said. “I can’t breathe.” Fast forward to another senseless murder of George Floyd in the same manner, but this time with a cop’s knee pressing aggressively on his neck. He too continuously pleaded “I can’t breathe.” Ahmaud Arbery, shot to death while jogging through a Georgia neighborhood, by a white father and son. The murders don’t stop there! 

Sandra Bland was a 28-year-old African American woman who was found hanged in a jail cell in Waller County, Texas, on July 13, 2015, three days after being arrested during a pretextual traffic stop (an injustice for minority drivers). Her death was ruled a suicide. According to NBC News, Breonna Taylor, an EMT worker was shot and killed in her Louisville, Kentucky, home by police executing a “botched” search warrant who forced their way in her home. Even our elderly Black population is not excluded. Eleanor Bumpurs a 69-year-old woman was shot twice with a shotgun and killed as officers were trying to help marshals evict her from a Bronx, NY public housing apartment in 1984. Why do I worry? That’s why I worry!

For centuries many Black parents like myself have been compelled or even forced to have discussions with our children mainly about how to act when out in public and out in other neighborhoods. When I was growing up, the police were considered your “friend.” A person, whose presence in the neighborhood was that of protection and safety. When my children were growing up, I would tell them, if they encountered an issue on the streets, to go to the police. The conversations drastically changed over the years. Changed where the conversations are about how they should handle themselves when interacting with law enforcement. I had to discuss how white people are fearful of Black people, specifically the Black male. What a feeling it is when white people would cross to the other side of the street when they see a Black man coming. I must admit, there were times when I myself am walking in the street at night, and see a Black male approaching, I would cross the street, but then I’d have to check myself and ask, “Why should I be afraid of my own people?”

Of course, there are no formal studies that quantify the differences in how these talks go among people with different racial backgrounds. But we know anecdotally (and through our own informal survey) that Black parents are much more likely to have that discussion with their children, and that’s because the stakes for our families are different. Black parents are more likely to fear for their kids’ safety because cruelty may await them. I implore all Black parents to talk about it more frequently and more in-depth. We need to caution our Black children, especially our males about how they are perceived as Black boys and men. We need to talk not only about how they should conduct themselves around police, but how they may be viewed when they are in predominantly white spaces, how to avoid suspicion, that they will not be afforded the same privileges as their white counterparts and that some white police and white individuals may not see their humanity. They don’t see us a fully human. Many view our people as simple-minded, docile Black men and women. I instill this in my children – “Not all Black men are criminals, aggressive, loud or unprofessional; Black men are intelligent, polite, professional, and hardworking. You don’t have to be afraid of the world. The world is afraid of us!” Could this be why THEY treat us in the manner that still exists over 400 years later? The conversations we must have with our Black children, goes on and on! 

The conversations with my children are twofold. They have a family member who is a police officer. They have friends who are white. I have friends who are police officers and friends and family members who are white. I know most cops and white people are good, but still, it’s a tough subject especially when meaningless killings like these continue to occur. It is never easy to discuss racism, no matter your race. Nobody probably ever feels ready to have these conversations. It was difficult for me to explain to my children that they are at risk of being targeted, simply because of the color of their skin, but then again, as the parent of Black children; I had to face the challenge all in the name of their safety and their life. Yes, “Black Lives Matter”, my children’s’ lives matter. Conversations in Black matters!