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Fake News: The TAPS Act

The content of this article is satirical and represents a work of fiction. The names of the characters within are fictitious.

The National Association for the Advancement of All People, or the NAAAP, declared Saturday that racism is officially over. NAAAP president Preston L. Christoffersen IV made the televised announcement with tears in his eyes, pronouncing triumphantly that “We did it.”

“Never again,” said Christoffersen, “will anyone be judged solely by the color of their skin. We’ve successfully made colorblindness the law of the land, and with it, justice, equality, and peace.”

Last month, Christoffersen and other NAAAP officials led the charge in getting Congress to pass the Toward A Post-racial Society (TAPS) Act, which made it a federal crime to implicitly or explicitly identify a person by their race or ethnicity. Though the measure was met with widespread acclaim, it recently fell under scrutiny after detectives from the Sacramento Police Department failed to make headway in a murder investigation because witnesses were legally obstructed from describing anything more than the suspect’s sex, clothes, height, and physique.

“I regret to say that there is no way that this will be the last murderer that the shortsighted and ridiculous TAPS Act will allow to walk free,” said Sacramento Police Chief Marvin Jeffers. “During our investigation, our witnesses were not even allowed to describe the suspect’s hair texture for fear that it would suggest a racial distinction. Mr. Christoffersen and Congress have made it painfully obvious that they are more invested in “feel good” politics and personal gain than justice.”

Christoffersen fired back on Twitter, calling Jeffers a “racist” and “allergic to progress.” “The failure to bring a criminal to justice is a failure of law enforcement, not the law,” he wrote, “especially when the law is finally fit to uphold its perennial commitment to peace and prosperity. Simply put, a single fugitive is no reason to sabotage and decry the fraternity and goodwill of millions.”

Critics have also pointed to the nullification of racial achievements as an inherent flaw within the TAPS Act. Writer and public intellectual Anthony Broadstreet noted that “Under the TAPS Act, Barack Obama was merely the first Hawaiian president, Jackie Robinson a great baseball player, and Mae Jemison a woman that went into space.” “I fail to see the problem with this,” said Christoffersen in an interview with NBC News, “just as I fail to see what Mr. Broadstreet believes is missing from those descriptions. Tell me, what isn’t impressive about going to space? And especially as a woman?”

Although the TAPS Act passed through both the House and Senate by giant margins, all members of the Congressional Black Caucus voted against it at every opportunity. Senator and Congressional Black Caucus member Philip Little said on the Senate floor that the act “is pointless. To eradicate the idea of race is not to eradicate our divisions, and it is simply childish to believe so. It is not and has never been wrong to see race. What is wrong is the way some people react to race.”

Several news sources reported that the Congressional Black Caucus attempted to arrange a meeting with Christoffersen and the NAAAP ahead of the decisive vote in the Senate, but Christoffersen declined. When asked why, he said curtly, “You know why.”

Myles Walker

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