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Sis, Are You Struggling in the Dating World Today?

Do you ever feel like dating is a struggle for you? Well, I have. When I was in my twenties, I would only date guys according to their looks. As I got older, wiser, and joined a women’s ministry class at church, I was advised to direct my attention elsewhere – to focus on more important qualities. Just because a guy looks good doesn’t mean he knows how to love and respect a woman.

Single women of all ages are dating every day without guidance or asking themselves why they are dating. What do they expect from a man? Some women expect too much too soon, or are giving too much of themselves before finding out the man’s true intentions. Too often women trust men who haven’t proven themselves worthy.

Finding the “right one” can be extremely hard nowadays. Some men have an agenda. Most times, it does not include you. Be careful who you choose to date. We can’t afford to date men for the wrong reasons. A man has to share the same values and goals as you, my sister. 

Ladies, when we meet someone who is attractive and we feel we have a connection with, some of us let our guard down too soon. We have to focus on getting to know him better. Men will put up a façade to be of interest to you, just so you would devote your time to them. This happened to me four years ago. I met this guy who didn’t seem to be in touch with himself or God. As I got to know him, I learned we had nothing in common. It was a waste of time.

When dating a man, find out about his spiritual beliefs, what motivates him, what values he possesses, and most importantly, what he looks for in a woman. Some of us fail to do this before becoming sexually intimate. Sexual intimacy can be a detriment to the mind, body, and soul. We are creating unhealthy soul ties if he’s the wrong person. We’ll become emotionally disturbed, hurt, or bitter inside. According to Stephan Labossiere, a relationship coach, speaker and author, we’ll end up hurting the right person – someone God sent for you. Labossiere believes hurt people hurt others. Not intentionally, but because they have been scarred, traumatized, misled and done wrong.

Just recently, Robyn Perry-Worthington, a Washington, D.C. native, shared her experiences of dating in her self-published “Robyn’s Rules of Dating: A Handbook on Dating from a Woman to Woman Perspective.” The book teaches women how to guard their hearts and protect themselves in new relationships. “I decided to share my input to help others from making mistakes that can later be life-altering,” said Perry-Worthington. 

When it comes to sex, Perry-Worthington believes a woman should refrain from being sexually intimate with the guy she’s dating. Women can develop feelings quicker than a man, and then the relationship becomes complicated. It’s easier to control your feelings if you’re not having sexual relations. You won’t be emotionally attached to the man if the relationship ends unexpectedly.

That may be easier said than done, but here’s how you can lessen the chance: surround yourself with other people, attend public events, and stay out of each other’s bedroom. Keep in mind, the right man will not pressure you to have sex. Most importantly, it’s a commandment of God that we wait until marriage; that’s my belief. Let me share a few points that may be helpful.

– The right man would not go against your standards or spiritual beliefs.
– If he really loves you, he wouldn’t expect anything that precious from you without a full commitment.
– If he wants to end the relationship because of no sexual intimacy, then let him go, sis!

There are times when a man is to blame for a failed relationship. But ladies, we must hold ourselves accountable for our actions as well. The “Robyn’s Rules of Dating” handbook states we are not always as wonderful as we see ourselves. There is always room for improvement. She suggests reading a self-improvement book such as “Battlefield of the Mind” by Joyce Meyer. Perry-Worthington believes reading this book is a good way to open your mind and explore parts of yourself that you didn’t think mattered. I strongly agree with her. When I read this book ten years ago, it changed my thought process. It enhanced my spiritual growth. I saw myself as God sees me. There was no more depression and no more doubt lingering in my mind.

Ladies, don’t lose yourself trying to figure out what went wrong in a relationship or ask yourself why weren’t you good enough for him. If you know you’re a respectful, loving person with great qualities, you have nothing to worry about. The Bible in Proverbs 18:22 (NKJV) states “He who finds a wife finds a good thing.” If there are lingering doubts in your mind, I strongly recommend reading “The Lady, Her Lover, and Her Lord” by TD Jakes. He writes that a virtuous woman will never do her man harm. She is a wife, she is a treasure.

If a man can’t see those qualities in you, again, I say let him go, sis. Another suggested book is “The Man God has For You” by Stephan Labossiere. He advises not to settle, to know and embrace your worth. These books will remind you of who you are in God’s eyes, and may prevent you from getting involved with the wrong man.

I leave you with this: in the book of Psalms, chapter 139:13-14 (NIV), David writes “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Believe that this is who you are, and I believe that dating will be less of a struggle for you.

Keisha Thompson

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