A Daughter’s Confidence

“No one is able to make the female a Queen except her father – Arab Proverb

If you read any of my previous articles, you know how emotional I can get when I’m passionate about something or being transparent as the tears rolled down my cheeks. Well, this time is no different. Although I was raised by a strong single mother, the presence of my father when he visited, led to more disfunction than happiness. I knew he loved me only because he called me baby girl or popcorn. At least that’s I how I interpreted his love.

As time went by, it didn’t bother me that my father wasn’t in the household, but I as I got older, and had my own daughter, I began to understand the importance of a father’s love and the impact of the absence of a father, or the impact of a negative father-daughter relationship has on the life of his daughter. Yes. A father-son relationship is critical and shapes their life as well. Having a strong male influence is important in a young boy’s life, but it’s equally important for daughters to have one too. I believe that a daughter’s first love is that of her dad’s.

Image Courtesy: Peniel Enchill – Black Girl Art

Most people agree that parenting plays a major role in children’s mental health, ability to succeed, social skills, academic performance, and so forth. But a father plays a major role in their daughter’s development, and depending on the nature of their relationship, they can have a significant impact on the person their daughter becomes.

Father-Daughter Relationship

A positive father-daughter relationship can have a huge impact on a young girl’s life and even determine whether or not she develops into a strong, confident woman. A father’s influence in his daughter’s life shapes her self-esteem, self-image, confidence, and opinions of men. What matters in the father-daughter relationship is that a dad seeks to live a life of integrity and honesty, admitting his own shortcomings so that his daughter has a realistic and positive example of how to deal with the world. His daughter looks to him as her hero and role model.

Growing up, my daughter had a loving relationship with her dad or at least as much as he was capable of. From the day he found out I was having a girl; he was so excited. He was a hands-on dad, changing diapers, giving baths, and calming her cries. That presence and effort is the beginning of a very important relationship. However, as she got older, the relationship appeared, at least to me, to be one of just another female.

It’s critical that a dad focuses on cultivating a trusting relationship so that their daughters feel secure talking with them about things they may be going through or experiencing. Being there when their daughter is hurting and help to heal the hurt. As a girl continues to grow from an adolescent and her teen years become filled with complicated issues, this is more work that needs to be done in building a trusting relationship by giving affection and support to her as she learns more about who she is and what kind of person and woman she wants to become. I remember when she turned 18, and we, she and I wanted him to spend more time with her, he said “she’s grown and don’t need me.” Did he love her? Yes, but the way he showed it as time went on wasn’t what she herself would see in boys to model after. During these events in her life is not the time for a father to pull away or withdraw. These are times that can be a challenging stage of growing up.

A Father’s Influence on a Daughter’s Self-image

A dad’s involvement in his daughter’s life is a crucial ingredient in the development of a young woman’s self-esteem. Verbal encouragement, being consistently present in her life, being alert and sensitive to her feelings, taking time to listen to her thoughts. Direct involvement and encouragement by her father will help diminish a girl’s insecurity and increase her confidence in her own abilities.

How Fathers Influence in Their Daughter’s Relationships

Being a father means being a role model and setting the standard for how their daughters will view other men. The type of men that women date and have long-term relationships with are also directly related to the kind of relationship a girl has with her father. Remember, I said earlier that a daughter’s first love, is that of her dad. Anything opposite of this may skew her opinions of men in a negative way. Respect and love regardless of whether or not he’s still with her mom. Of course, showing respect to the mother is essential. Daughters will see what their dads believe about women by how they value and respect women, or by how they fail to do so.

Disclaimer: My daughter gave me permission to share. Without exposing the personal experiences of my daughter, I saw the choices she made with respect to relationships, may have been directly related to the void and the lack of her father in her life as she got older. Let’s just say that some of the men she chose were much older than her. Was this a sign of seeking out what was missing from dad? Was it her lack of self-esteem? Did she question her father’s love? Questioning herself if she was still daddy’s little girl. To me, it was all these things that ultimately led to her anxiety and depression, unhealthy eating, as well as struggles in building and maintaining healthy relationships. It wasn’t about me, but I would often feel that my daughter rejected happiness because she never felt worthy of it. The distance between her and her dad, left an enduring mark on her psyche as she grew into adulthood.

Caitlin Marvaso, AMFT, a grief counselor and therapist in Oakland, CA indicated that fathers provide their daughters with a masculine example. They teach their children about respect and boundaries and help put daughters at ease with other men throughout their lives. […] So if she didn’t grow up with a proper example, she will have less insight and she’ll be more likely to go for a man that will replicate the “abandonment” of her father.

The Road to Self-discovery, Self-Confidence

Fortunately, she has grown into a more beautiful woman who is beginning to realize her worth. Realizing it had never been about her, that she wasn’t pretty enough, stupid, or undeserving. It had always been about him. Perhaps he was unhappy as a child, or his mother was cold, his negative nature or even his dissatisfaction with being a husband and father. Whatever it was, it had never been about her. She accepts him for who he is. Understanding that what he gives her and what he is in her life, is all he may be capable of, and she loves him dearly.

A daughter whose father abandoned her whether physically or emotionally can grow, thrive, learn, excel, succeed, love and be loved, and live a wonderful life when she realizes that the problem isn’t her, it’s him. This is the first step toward healing and a giant step towards increasing a daughter’s confidence in herself as a person and as a woman of worth.

Fathers, I leave you with the following food for thought:

10 Reasons Father-Daughter Relationship are Important